Collegian editor gone missing while investigating mattress scandal – The Rocky Mountain Collegian
(Graphic representation by Colin Crawford | The Collegian)
Publisher’s Note: This is a satirical piece from the opinion section of The Collegian. Real names and the events surrounding them can be used in a fictional / semi-fictional manner. Anyone who does not read the editor’s notes will be offended.
The authorities officially declared the collegiate editor Baul Prull a missing person on March 22nd.
Prull was a hard-working reporter and a daring investigator with a stupid will to uncover Fort Collins’ biggest conspiracy to date. Prior to his disappearance, Prull shared with fellow reporters all the written notes and voice recordings he had collected during his tireless investigation, instructing them to “get this out of here and nail the bastards down.”
Prull left a humble request with his material: “If you publish this, make me sound like an asshole.” In honor of the memory of the most fearless journalist who has ever graced the halls of the pale basement offices of the Collegian (although he never saw the office walls as all the operations were online) the following article will describe everything Prull found before his super disappearance.
I wonder if the cookie woman was right about anything? “- Baul Prull, collegial reporter
We have edited the material for clarity and to maximize Prull’s request to “sound like an ass.”
After his interview with Mary Crumpet, Prull pondered her testimony and the facts at his disposal. After Prull initially doubted Miss Crumpet, presumably because of her “pastry name,” she decided to pursue some of her claims. He wrote, “I wonder if the cookie woman was right about anything?”
He started with the suspicious vans. Prull fearlessly staked out several mattress deals between Fort Collins and Denver over the course of numerous days, and ate “peanuts, coffee, and a rock-hard chub for the truth.” It didn’t take long for a pattern to emerge: “Too much nuts and caffeine make your stomach angry.”
Prull also noticed some “seriously suspicious” van drivers unloading and throwing away mattresses. As he examined the discarded mattresses, he remarked in an Australian accent that he was “Steve Irwin approaching a wild (and evil) animal”. Then: “Crikey! There is cola in it! “
Prull fearlessly discovered that discarded mattresses in northern Colorado contained drug residue and sometimes blood. He pointed out that these “fluffy drug bags” were always found outside of chain stores like Mattress “R” Us, the shady shop that first caught the Collegian’s attention.
To compare the results, Prull bravely visited Hemp Hempley’s Bed Stuff and Dispensary in Windsor, a facility that “makes its mattresses honestly and legally from hemp and cannabis”. Prull asked if they had ever thrown one of their mattresses away and was told they never do. “But we’re burning some,” said one clerk with a chuckle.
When Prull mentioned seeing stores like Mattress “R” Us throwing their mattresses away, he was immediately asked to leave Hemp Hempley’s. After the encounter, Prull remarked, “You don’t want to talk, and something tells me it’s not just cannabis.”
The investigation then took the fearless Prull back to Fort Collins. He attended a random residence, similar to a crumpet described in their interview. Occupied by three college-aged people, the four-bedroom domicile “reeked of something suspicious. Oh wait, that’s just the beer stain on the carpet. “
Prull learned that each person’s landlord insisted on always keeping an unoccupied mattress in the fourth bedroom, and that the mattress was exchanged for a new one at irregular intervals whenever no one was home. The intrepid reporter asked for permission to examine the mattress and said aloud to himself, “It’s good that I brought my (very bad) knife.” When the mattress was cut open, Prull found cocaine powder hidden in it. The tenants’ dog soon pulled the Zoomies together.
Prull was clogged with peanuts, coffee, and questions. “Why throw away the mattresses? Why are they turning out of U + 2 houses? Why am I breathing so fast? “However, the bold and fearless Prull would not rest until he knew the truth.
Prull’s last investigation took him to Longmont Police Station to speak to Officer Sus McShady, where he asked about the employee who was arrested at the Longmont mattress store. The officer said, “The press is the enemy of the people” and asked Prull to leave.
After the encounter, Prull compiled all of his material and sent it to The Collegian. Nobody has heard from Prull since then.
In the meantime, The Collegian has work to do. We now have no doubt that something is terribly wrong with the mattress situation in northern Colorado. But too many questions remain unanswered. Where do the drugs come from? Why are they stored in mattresses? Who in the world is behind this?
The collegian will not stop until the truth is revealed. We want to break this case wide open by April 1st.
Read parts one, two, and three of the investigation.
Cody Cooke can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @ CodyCooke17.